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When it comes to relationships, many know of and have pondered the story of the beautiful female dating the horrible, or dare I say, atrocious gentlemen; or vice versa. It is a story heard throughout time and a story that will forever baffle counselors, pastors, and the frustrated doctoral candidate. Many have attempted to answer the “why” part of this dysfunctional equation. However, what many have neglected or purposefully ignored is the reason such individuals believe they must settle down with such a dismal spouse/significant other. Many in the religious arena—myself included—attempt to pin-point the symptoms, usually directing the discussion to or implying man’s sinful nature. While I do believe the reason many choose a partner that is incorrect for them is due to humanity’s sinful nature, I am more concerned with the belief that one can only be happy when in a relationship. This false belief permeates our society (especially in American churches), directly showing how the family has been damaged by divorce, abuse and single parent situations. However, it also shows many that the current generations, and the ones to follow, are not only lonely and depressed, but unsure of how to deal with these two brutal emotions. Because of this inadequacy many, especially Christians, “settle” in their life. What do I mean by “settle”? I mean Christians have such an urge and desire to meet “that special someone” that they will choose someone that has very little in common with them. Not only will they settle in choosing their future spouse, but they also begin to settle in their walk with Christ. Instead of learning how to deal with loneliness, they begin to skim passages of the Word with little interest, knowing full well that the Word does pierce their hearts and bones, but refuse to let it because they do not want to lose the feeling of worth that this other individual (briefly) gives them.
My dear friend, and boss, Marty Trammell, has told me of the numerous times he has had to tell couples that he would not marry them, or counsel them because he knew they were not right for each other, and that Christ had not been the focus of their live while they had been together. “What do couples do when you tell them that?” I asked in astonishment. “They just find a pastor that will marry them. They don’t realize that marriage is about sacrifice.”
This scenario is not an epidemic that will diminish or leave any time soon. Yet, it is fascinating to read and learn that Scripture not only talks about loneliness and depression, but it also tells us that the greatest leaders are those that never “settle.” David wrote so many lonely Psalms that he would be put on at least a dozen anti-depressants today; yet he was considered not only a great king, but “a man after God’s own heart.” David was FORCED to wait for the great things of God, even though he had been told by a Prophet that he would one day be great. I don’t know about you, but if I knew I would be worth a billion dollars in twenty years, I can pretty much assure you that I would be taking numerous short cuts, as well as reading the Cliff Note version of anything business related. Moses was smart and handsome, yet he was 80 before he truly began to live. Abraham was married, wealthy and the owner of numerous animal endeavors. However, he not only had to wait for the great things of God, he was mere seconds away from sacrificing them to show God his love and deep belief that God knew what was best. My point in all this is to not only show, but to prove that God desires the greatest for us, but we have to wait for them. More importantly, we must be WILLING to wait for them. This is where the problem comes in: We not only don’t want to wait, but we get deathly afraid of waiting. We are so afraid of loneliness that we will do anything to avoid the feeling. We turn up the music, crank out the text messages and post numerous dating profiles online in hopes of connecting with someone…anyone. We not only can’t stand being lonely, we have no idea how to adjust to being lonely, which terrifies even the greatest of souls.
While no one can truly answer the question “How does one deal with loneliness?” I do want to challenge you, dear reader, to not only face loneliness head on, but to embrace it. Embrace it? How does one embrace it? Even if I do embrace it, loneliness is nothing to “play” with, as it destroyed both Ernest Hemingway and F. Scott Fitzgerald, two of America’s finest authors. Well, first, we must write about it. Write what goes on inside the soul, the feelings that are created when alone…not a “dear diary.” Second, do not be afraid of the empty house, as that is where character not only grows, it deepens. Third, you must tell one trusted friend what you are going through, as this allows one other person to help you through this difficult time. Fourth, remember that God does want the best. Throughout Scripture we see individuals living up to great things of the Lord—after a lengthy period of sadness, loneliness, or personal inner struggle.
When all is said and done, we must ask ourselves, “In twenty years, was it worth it?” Remember, marriage, surface friendships, and limited walks with Christ all have one thing in common: hard work. You have to work to keep a marriage healthy. You have to work in growing deep with Christ, and you have to work at the friendships you have been given. Dealing with loneliness actually helps any individual in these areas. How? Loneliness prepares your heart and soul for these special gifts. Loneliness teaches you how not to take advantage of a friendship, but deepens it through personal struggle, and then sharing it with others. And finally, you have to want to be alone, thereby implying the scariest of all statements: You have to want to be lonely, knowing God will transform you through it. This is a statement 90% of humanity refuses to believe, nor accept (just read the response comments to this blog)
As Wilson told his friend Gregory House on the TV show “House,” “You hate yourself, but you do admire yourself. You're so afraid that if you change, you'll lose what makes you special." I would add that we are so afraid of being lonely, that we’ll settle in the areas that matter most: relationships, marriage, job, and ultimately, our walk with Christ. Is it worth it? Don’t wait and see!
